White-on-White Violence: The YouTube Republican Presidential Debate

For anyone fortunate enough to have missed it, the CNN/YouTube Republican Presidential Debate was held tonight in St. Petersburg, Florida. Something like 5,000 video questions were submitted by YouTubers from across the country (at least one of whom, naturally, bore a striking resemblance to Hank Williams, Jr.) and 35 were chosen by CNN's producers to be shown on a big screen above the stage. Candidates were also given the opportunity to submit their own "YouTube-like" videos (most of which were just campaign ads, and not particularly good ones at that), which were interspersed with the questions.

You might imagine that any forum involving YouTube and Republicans would be a mess but, while it sometimes verged on shitshowiness, the debate was usually just about as dull as eight old white guys arguing about politics should be. The issues ranged from reducing crime in the inner city to the ethics of waterboarding, but the debate focused primarily on the war, immigration, abortion, government spending and gun control.

I will spare you the pain of a full-blown recap, but here are some observations (in no particular order):

-Anderson Cooper was the Worst. Moderator. Ever. Whenever a candidate went over his time limit -- which politicians are wont to do -- Cooper, rather than forcing (or even asking) them to finish, would simply repeat the word "time" over and over again until they were done, as if saying it enough would magically make them stop ignoring him. Also, I find him kind of funny looking.

-Republicans really don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm not exactly sure how she came to symbolize everything that is wrong with the world, but boy do they hate her. In fact, I think that every single candidate, at one point or another, referred to her in some derogatory manner, several of them more than once. It's a sad state of affairs when a United States senator draws more ire in a political debate than Osama Bin Laden, but I'm sure she loved every second of it. Also, it turns out that the Clinton campaign planted one of the more controversial questioners of the night, retired Brig. Gen. Keith Kerr, an openly gay veteran who asked why American soldiers aren't professional enough to serve with homosexuals. Score one for the Ice Queen.

-Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney seem to hate each other almost as much as they hate Hillary. At one point, during a heated discussion about illegal immigration, I was pretty sure that the ostensible front-runners were going to break out into fisticuffs, and that was only five minutes into the debate! I say we just get it over with and make the next debate a steel-cage match between these two (maybe Hillary could guest-referee...)

-What the hell kind of a name is "Mitt," anyway?

-And who the hell is Duncan Hunter? After two hours, all I know about the guy is that he loves border fences. In fact, his greatest accomplishment seems to have been building a 30-foot fence between San Diego and Tijuana (probably after the infamous Marissa Cooper incident of 2004). I'm not sure whether he's more qualified to be president or manager of the Home Depot.

-Republicans shouldn't try to be funny -- it usually ends badly. I'm looking at you, Giuliani...

-I'm finding it really hard not to like Mike Huckabee. I know he doesn't believe in evolution and all, but he's just so damn friendly, and his response to a (remarkably stupid) question about believing the Bible word-for-word was by far the most eloquent and progressive of the bunch. One of my roommates remarked that he doesn't seem presidential because he's "too nice." Plus, he lost more weight than the Subway guy.

-Ron Paul kind of looks an elf, but he has some good ideas about the war. Namely, that we should end it.

-Why are Republicans so squinty all the time? Is it because they hate the light?

-John McCain probably doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning this nomination, but I think he had the best soundbyte of the night: "We came to power in 1994 looking to change the government, and government changed us." Also, it's a really bad idea to argue with him about torture, something Romney found out the hard way.

-Speaking of Romney, I couldn't help thinking that he was the most presidential of the group, probably because he's really good at not answering questions. Also, he's kind of dreamy, if you're into the stuck-up, rich, Mormon look. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this race came down to him and Huckabee.

-Fred Thompson was pretty much a non-factor and, thank god, because he thinks that overturning Roe v. Wade should be our "#1 focus" (not, you know, ending the war or paying down the massive, crippling debt that it has caused.) Good call, Fred.

-Republicans love Bill Cosby. He is like their one black friend.

-Tom Tancredo is an idiot. For more, read this.

All in all, it was pretty much a waste of two hours. At least now I know what we're dealing with, though, and it isn't pretty. I know that the Democratic candidates aren't exactly the Founding Fathers or anything, but if we can't get one of them elected against this bunch of weirdos, I'm leaving. For reals.

Sources:
http://www.youtube.com/republicandebate
http://washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071129/NATION/111290095/1002