The new "American Gladiators": Twice the flash, half the fun

If you're like me (a dork), you've been waiting anxiously for the return of "American Gladiators" ever since it went off the air in 1996. Sure, you've tried the alternatives -- pro-wrestling, the short-lived "Battle Dome," even MTV's reality knockoff "Road Rules" -- but nothing ever quite quenched the thirst for mullets and spandex that the original "AG" so wonderfully satisfied.

Well, that 12-year wait ended tonight. Sort of. While NBC's brand-spanking new incarnation of "American Gladiators" (regularly airing Monday at 8) does its best to update its predecessor with 21st-century flare (read: silver and black outfits, giant water tanks and rampant pyrotechnics), it does so at the expense of much of the tongue-in-cheek kitschiness that made the old show so great. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy the new "Gladiators" (I was so psyched about the premiere that I would have been happy with a much worse show) or even that none of the updates are worthwhile -- the new and improved "Eliminator" is pretty sweet, for instance, and I love that they play "Another One Bites the Dust" when a contestant loses in The Joust -- but just that, overall, it felt like the magic was missing.

Some of that may be a result of my idealizing the show in its absence. This might sound stupid, but "American Gladiators" represents an important part of my childhood. In fact, the show hit its peak in basic-cable poularity during my formative years and, when I was 8 or 9, you couldn't change the channel at any given moment on a weekday afternoon without seeing it on USA Network, which meant that I spent many a summer day taking in episode after episode of "Gladiator" goodness. I watched through host changes (from Joe Thiesmann to Larry Csonka), Gladiator changes (from Laser to Turbo) and event changes (from the Atlasphere -- which needs to be brought back -- to the Sky Track). My buddy and I even used to play "American Gladiators" in his basement, chucking tennis balls at each other as we ducked behind couches. Cheesy as it may have been, the show was a piece of our culture that is probably irreplaceable.

It doesn't help that the new version is more style than substance. Right off the bat, using Hulk Hogan as one of the hosts, while I'm sure it ramps up the ratings, makes the competition seem fake. In their time, the unbeatable duo of Larry Csonka and Mike Adamle, both former NFL running backs, lent the original show a certain credibility without being distracting. You would probably never tune in to see those guys (unlike Hogan and partner Laila Ali), but you were always glad that they were there and you knew that, if it came down to it, they could run somebody over (well, at least Csonka -- I didn't even know that Adamle had played football until a few minutes ago. Wikipedia, bitches!) The real draws, though, were the Gladiators themselves, and the show was at its best when their carefully-crafted, ridiculously campy personalities shined through (see Malibu). This time around, the focus is almost entirely on the contestants, who are mostly boring (I almost barfed when I heard one of them say that she was "really feeding off of the Gladiators' synergy right now" -- lame!), and they don't even interview the big guys and gals, although I suspect that some of them -- like crazy-man Wolf, trash-talking Pacific islander Toa and Viking goddess Hellga -- are probably hilarious. I'm not saying that NBC should take out the reality TV flourishes altogether -- if harping on human-interest stories draws a broader audience, great -- but don't forget what made this show so great to begin with.

When it comes down to it, if nothing else, the success or failure of this new "American Gladiators" should present an interesting case study in how popular culture changes, and how the culture-makers adapt. Hopefully, this version will hit its stride and find the unapologetic giddiness that has been missing from my life for the last decade but, even if it doesn't, I'll still tune in, if only for the sake of sweet, sweet nostalgia.

See also:
American Gladiators [things i watch]

BONUS: Here's a picture of the smoking hot Hellga, my new Gladiator crush (don't worry Lace, no one will ever steal your place in my heart). Enjoy!